Tuesday, June 23, 2009

no strings attached...

i've been meaning to write, but for the longest time all i could think about was my vagina. moe can't stand it when i make that a topic of conversation so i just didn't write for a long time. now that other things are on my mind, i can tell you what that was all about.

i got this stupid mirena iud thing without reading the pamphlet or asking the right questions ahead of time. i was literally on the table getting some plastic thing stuck in my uterus when my doctor said, 'your husband shouldn't be able to feel this, but if he says anything i can trim the strings' - ummmm, say again? what are we talking about here? did you just put a puppet up there as a joke? what strings, what's happening? why does this thing require strings and why are they so long and cumbersome that there is even the possibility my husband can feel them?

but at that point, they already had me by the balls, because not only was the thing in there, but on the way in to have it done i was informed that while my insurance covered the insertion at 100%, it didn't cover the cost of removal. 'that's fine,' i said, 'how much is that?' oh, it's $378. WHAT?

after she said that i was convinced it was the wrong thing to do and told the receptionist to forget it, i would just get on the pill (that i opted not to do originally because 1) i can never remember to take the pill and b) do i need another reason? if you forget to take it, it doesn't work... case closed). but then she said, well, i can say you're low income and it would be around half that. 'i still don't want it, why would i pay for that?'

she reminded me that the pill isn't free on my plan, it's around $20 a month. oh yeah... i forgot about that. so if i need protection for a year or so, then i guess it's cost effective to get the iud. then she tells me in a whisper, 'yeah, i love mine - you never have to think about it, you just set it and forget it!' like it's a crockpot or something. she didn't say anything about having strings coming down. i'm still not sure what that's all about, but it doesn't sound appealing to me.

so in the interest of having an open and honest dialogue with my husband, i didn't tell him any of this. i just came home and said, let's take this thing for a test drive, baby!! whoo hooo! okay, i didn't really say that, but we had to abstain for two weeks before getting the stupid thing because i wasn't willing to use any other form of birth control and there can be absolutely no chance that you're pregnant when you get one so we were really looking forward to the day i had it done. blah blah blah, in other words, as soon as i got home and the kids were napping, we did it.

and sure enough, just like the princess and the pea, he stops immediately and says, 'what the hell is in there?'

and not wanting to ruin the mood, i said, 'it's a plastic device in the shape of a T or V that was spring-loaded into my uterus this morning that has some sort of strings attached that hang down through my cervix and into my birth canal. they said you shoudln't be able to feel it since it's technically in my uterus. actually, no one knows exactly why or how it works, but it releases pr...'

'(cuts me off) okay... well, i can feel it'

'hmmmm, well, does it cause you pain or is it just uncomfortable? because if it's just uncomfortable, i say we keep trying'

'uh, i'm not sure. i mean, it doesn't feel good'

'just keep at it, maybe it will get shoved up there or something'

and god bless him, he was a trooper. but now every time he looks at me, he sort of winces a little bit. i called my girlfriends who have mirenas and they were like, 'ooooh, yeah. my husband complains about that from time to time. it's just because the strings are like fishing wire. it also might make you bleed for like a month or two at first' ummm, could you have maybe mentioned that to me ahead of time?!?!

so anyway, i have this stupid thing now and i hate it and i'm not sure what to do about it, but i get a check up at the end of July so i have decided to keep it until then.

but that's not even what i've been thinking about lately so i'm not sure why you even brought it up. i've been pretty sick for the past couple of days and i find it really interesting that i would be getting way more rest if i went to work, but the people i work with get really fired up when people come into the office when they're sick. some of them will literally follow you around with a can of lysol. it's annoying, but i get it. one time, this guy came to the office knowing he had a stomach virus and he HUGGED me before he told me. i was like, why are you here??? and he said, 'i couldn't call in sick. i've never called in sick' so naturally i was infected and out for the next two days, pregnant and barfing my guts out. i still sort of hold it against that guy even though it's a little unreasonable.

so even though i'm home sick, i still have the girls to take care of which means actually doing stuff all day long that is not sleeping. today we went to the public library for a magic show. i had no idea it would last an hour or i wouldn't have gone. i want to say 'but at least andie had fun', but for 55 minutes she clung to me with fear in her eyes until at the end of the show when the puppet bird (Vern) sang Old MacDonald for the big finale and i stood up to go. then all the sudden she was all smiles, clapping and telling me to "'it down, momma. 'IT!"

then she acted out parts of the show and told her daddy all about it when we got home. he had no idea what she was saying, but it was cute. we watched Keith the Magic man online over and over again to her delight while bella napped.

dammit. i really have no idea what i was going to write about when i got on here. i had a clear direction before i started talking about what i wasn't going to talk about... i just took tylenol with codine - is that how you spell it? anyway, i always think it's going to help me sleep but it never does. it makes me hyper. i mean, clearly i'm on something right now because i am rambling.

okay, i'm giving up on this for now and going to watch jon and kate + 8 for the 1000th time today.


  1. ...like it's a CrockPot. Oh lord, that's funny.

  2. no, i'm serious-- this is the best laugh i've had in ages :)