Monday, June 1, 2009

starbucks, spray tans and spanx... oh my!

today is my first day back to work following my maternity leave. so far, so good. i'm happy to have the time to blog and it's nice to see everyone. i may think it sucks tomorrow (or whenever i get back in the swing of things and actually have to do work), but right now everyone is used to me being gone and no one has called me or emailed about anything. it's actually really nice.

i wasn't sure how i would feel about coming back and to be honest, i was dreading it and trying to come up with every possible way to avoid it. but then, i walked in the building, saw the starbucks and realized, 'hey, i can go get that any time i want' and suddenly life was good.

i go to the local coffee shop all the time with the girls, but there is always a certain amount of planning involved. do i take the double stroller? if i do, then i have to drink my coffee there because i can't steer it while holding the coffee cup and if i drink my coffee there i will have to let andie down or she will be screaming the whole time. if i let andie down, i have to be willing to chase her all over the place. or do i put bella in the bjorn and hold andie's hand so i can drink it on the walk? if i do then i have to wait until bella wakes up from her nap, dress her in something cooler so she won't overheat and once i get my coffee i will have to drink it from a straw because i can't drink from the cup while she's strapped to my chest because i might spill it on her. on and on and on. but today, all i had to do was walk over and get coffee and that's exactly what i did. and i got to drink my coffee with a co-worker who told me about getting laid this weekend. best. morning. ever.

also, everyone is being really sweet and telling me i look great which is good to hear. especially after being around my family a lot while i was on leave. between my brother and my mother, i'm surprised i don't have a complex by now.

a few weeks ago, my brother was learning the art of spray tanning and practiced on me and my sister. we both just had babies (she had zoey in december and i had bella in march) but somehow she and her 5'2" self looks better than ever and i still have a long way to go. to be fair, she looked better than me to start with and her husband encourages her to take time to go to the gym. my husband encourages me to have another donut. we both oblige.

anyway, she went first and she came out of the 'tent' looking like malibu barbie so i thought, okay, i'll do it, too. keep in mind, i am not thrilled about seeing myself in a bikini these days, much less standing in awkward positions in front of other people in one, but it looked worth it so i did it.

as soon as i walked in the tent, my brother yelled to his wife - 'farrrrah! we're going to need another batch!' i tried not to take offense, since he was just saying it as a matter of fact, so i stood there trying to forget i was half naked in the sumo position and waited to be sprayed. i followed all of his instructions while he worked - 'put your arms up... put your hands down... turn to the side... turn around...turn your feet in...turn your feet out...' and that was fine until farrah came to inspect his work. by way of explanation for what must have looked like shotty work, he said, 'i can't get that part good, she's too lumpy. see how right there she's got that roll? i can't get in that part where her skin folds over' and farrah, also forgetting i was a real person standing there and thinking only about how to get me tan, said 'yeah, i see what you mean - just have her put her arms up higher and try it again' ummmm, hello!!!!! do fat people not get spray tans? if they do, i guess they don't wear bikinis, since the fat roll on my stomach seemed to present quite a dilemma.

the tan ended up fine and my ego recovered just in time to take another hit from my mom while she was helping me shop for some 'transitional' clothes. i'm pretending that one day i will get back into my normal clothes so even though i will be wearing these clothes for months, they are still 'transitional' clothes in my mind. anyway, i was informed by my mother that i would look okay if i wore "a spank" under everything. "you just need a spank to hold all that in and you'll be fine."

so anyway, it's nice to hear "you look great!!!" all day long from people who haven't seen me since I was 9 months pregnant. compared to that, i guess i really do look great... even if it's only because of a spray tan and a spank.

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