i could barely sleep last night after i realized that i would be required to come to work every day from now on. yesterday was like an extended visit with friends - it didn't occur to me that it was mandatory. once that realization set in, i was terrified. i am now among the ranks of all the people who count down the days until their next day off - there is little wiggle room as to what my day will hold. when i was at home, the sky was the limit (sort of). maybe we'd go to the zoo, maybe six flags, maybe the park.... now, i know exactly what i'll do. every. single. day.
i will get up at 6a and get ready for work, eat breakfast at 6:30a, get the kids up at 7a, put andie on the potty and then give her breakfast while i nurse bella. i will try to keep them quiet so moe can sleep until 8:15a. i will hug andie too much and she will tell me to 'be back, mommy' because for some reason she can't say 'get back'. i will get bella's bottle ready for her next feeding, i will do the dishes and i will tell andie i love her every time that little shit comes my way. she is too busy to care about that so she says, 'need help, mommy' and it is always help with something she shouldn't be doing in the first place. i will go wake up moe, tell him i love him, i will get my breast pump and i will walk out the door. this will be the first time andie will care whether or not i'm even around and she will cry and scream 'nooooooo, mommy, no go gurk' which i will have to ignore and lock the door behind me without looking back.
i am really lucky, though, because i get to come home and see them for lunch every day. and also lucky because i have about a 10 minute commute so i don't have to spend much time in the car. our time is spent playing and again, with forced affection that andie has no time for and no interest in returning. yesterday i was kissing bella again and again and andie said, 'do dat, mommy' so i said 'oh, andie wants kisses??' and i happily went to give her some, but i got a a hand to the face and a reply, 'no, do dat yay-ya' which meant she wanted to kiss bella all over, too. we needn't have worried that andie would be jealous of her baby sister, as it turns out, i'm the one jealous of her. she gets all of andie's affection most of the time.
maybe she will want to cuddle more when she realizes we only have a limited amount of time together each day. or maybe i will start keeping her up all night so i won't feel like i'm missing out on everything. of course then i would be out a husband because i cannot imagine he would enjoy taking care of two irritable babies all day while i'm at work. it's hard enough to take care of two happy babies. so i will keep them on schedule and live for the weekends, like everyone else in the world who works for the man.
if i keep complaining, my mom will drive me insane telling me that i should just stay home and write a book so i must say that i am thankful to be here and thankful for all the things this job affords me. but in the meantime, there's no harm in playing the lottery.