look at me, look at me!!

i am a recognition whore. i will pretty much do anything for a pat on the back and constant, sincere compliments about how well i performed a task. this might explain why i still make very little money. early on, my employers must have figured this out about me, did a fist pump and gave me what i most wanted - praise. just when i need it most, someone will tell me how great i am and i'll think, 'well, i am just so loved and wonderful!' and keep plugging away.

the problem with all that is this:

i have been trying to lose my baby weight for months. well, i mean, that math is pretty easy to do - my baby is 5 months old. so far, with each of my pregnancies i have been blessed to have essentially no nausea. that's wonderful, right? yes, it is. except for the fact that when you have no nausea, you have no aversion to food. when you have no aversion to food and you're pregnant, you gain too much weight. both times i have gained 75lb. that is pretty close to 100lb, folks. that's a lot. not according to my doctors, though, who only saw a 1-2lb gain each week, which they thought "looked great, everything's great, you look great" and i was like, 'sweet! pass the corn dogs'.

at this point, i have lost over 50lb and NO ONE (except my mom) is giving me any praise for it. it's downright insulting! when i point it out, people will say, oh yeah, girl, you look good (no i don't - not yet, but i certainly look better, right??? it's over 50lb for the love of god!) but it is always me who calls attention to my shrinking frame. this is unacceptable! notice me, dammit!

i try to give myself pep talks to stay on track, but i gotta admit - just one "you look awesome, have you lost weight?" from someone who hasn't read this blog would give me enough mileage to lose at least five more pounds.

i'm banking on the gym to help with that at this point. people will see me in spin class with my workout clothes on and think, 'good for her! if that fat girl can do it, i can too!' and then in a few weeks when i look good in my workout clothes again they'll think, "look at her... that bitch" . i can't wait to be 'that bitch' again.